Just a random thought

Bahkan saat masih menjadi benih, bukankah kita sudah mulai berkompetisi? Berkompetisi untuk menjadi yang terbaik, berkompetisi untuk bertahan.

Ketika telah terlahir, kita terus saja berkompetisi. Di bangku sekolah, kau harus mengalahkan teman-temanmu untuk menjadi siswa dengan peringkat tertinggi. Saat sarjana, kau harus berkompetisi dengan para sarjana yang lain agar cv mu bisa diterima di perusahaan. Saat bekerja, kau masih harus berkompetisi dengan rekanmu untuk menduduki jabatan yang bagus.

Mereka bilang tidak mengapa untuk gagal, tapi ketika kamu gagal mereka akan menyalahkanmu.
Mereka bilang tidak mengapa tidak memberikan apa-apa, tapi saat serba kekurangan mereka akan mempertanyakan tanggung jawabmu.
Mereka bilang bicarakan saja masalahmu pada mereka, tapi ketika kau mengeluh masalahmu, mereka memintamu untuk pergi.
Mereka bilang, ikuti saja kata hatimu, tapi saat kau mengambil keputusan yang tidak benar, mereka malah menjatuhkanmu.

Tidakkah berlari itu melelahkan? Waktu terus memaksamu menjalankannya dengan tepat dan benar tanpa mentolerir sedikit kesalahan dan keterlambatan, kejam rasanya karena ini adalah hidup pertamamu, kau tidak pernah berada pada fase ini sebelumnya, tapi kau dipaksa untuk bertahan dengan kebingunganmu. Kaupun merasa gagal karena keterlambatanmu dalam menemukan jalan kebahagiaan.

Kau terus memaksa dirimu untuk membahagiakan orang lain sampai kau sendiri lupa caranya menikmati hidup dan menjadi bahagia, saat dulu kebahagiaan sesederhana menonton drama favorit sendirian di kamar.

Apakah kebahagiaan dan kesuksesan hanya tentang bagaimana mereka melihat pekerjaanmu? melihat gedung tempat kerjamu? melihat uangmu? melihat penghasilanmu? melihat fisikmu? melihat bajumu? Karena aku begitu muak dengan bagaimana mereka mendefinisikan hidupku, bahagiaku, suksesku.

Sesuatu terjadi pada dirimu, tapi kau sendiri tidak tahu harus kemana, bagaimana dan apa yang menjadi masalah.

Kau ingin bermimpi, tapi realita terus menjatuhkanmu, berbisik bahwa kau takkan mampu meraihnya.

Mimpiku, apakah ia juga berkompetisi dengan mimpi-mimpi lainya? Apakah ia sudah kalah? Apakah mimpiku adalah mimpi yang gagal? Tapi apa benar hal itu yang  aku impikan? Lalu apa mimpiku?

Aku tak tahu.

Hey look, I survived another day!

I opened my eyes as usual today at 4.55 and started to did my morning activity, prepared myself to go office, as usual.

The anxiety, always came at my early morning caused a ‘not ready’ feeling almost in my every morning.

I felt sorry to God, because still cannot become a good guy. Ain’t I should be grateful for wake up with normal breath without any medical tools on body? Maybe the life that I complained about is the life that other people really wanted? realize it, me. ck, human.

I skipped my breakfast this morning because had meeting today, so I rushed myself to go. I worked as usual, did my duty, finish some task, talk to some people and feel empty. At some points, I stopped worked and stared at the lamp, asked myself  “did I really want this?”, throwback at how I really wanted to work at the city, in a big company that has tall building. Ya, I  worked at the city right now, but, I’m not sure whether I love what I do right now or no. Because it keep make me feel ‘uncomfortable’ at my night and my morning, on my sleep and on my daily activity. I worried my health sometimes, I’m afraid this anxiousity affect to my healthy. But, somehow, I’m afraid to lose this job also, cz I can’t make my parents sad with my choice. I need to support them also, in this critical point, I think they do need me right now. So, welcome to the crisis 🙂

I feel like living with no dream. I keep doing stuff that necessary. But forget how to be really happy. I keep walking, but don’t have place to go, so I just keep walking, don’t know which way to go. In the end we just do something, cz we need to live normally.

I keep asked myself until time to go home, so I prepared myself again to go home. And… Hey, I survived another day! I did a good job, woke up at early morning, didn’t late, worked hard and tried hard to finish it all, I did okay..! Good job, me..!
I might still can’t figure out the answer, yet. Life must be laughing at me right now, look how funny I am because keep grumbling but keep repeat the same activity. But, as long as I breath, I will keep survive, I will keep searching, my dream, my passion, my purpose, because life is about a discovering. No matter how professional you are, no matter how old are you, life will always ready to throw a lesson for you to learn.

I hope I could figure out the answer of my life questions, soon, and get myself stable, soon.

Dear 2018, I will survive you 🙂

1st ; Discovering a dream and a purpose of life

Hey..!

Haha..

Trust me I have no idea why I am here, right now.

Started from my anxiety and my worries become more complex and got me hard to sleep lately, I decided to looking for some “medicine” in something that I can make effort, to keep my thought busy. Yes, and I choosed ; make a blog. This blog gonna filled by the content about myself, my daily activity, my feeling and some random article that I plan to write every week/month.

I interested on International social and political issues (as my educational background from International Relations). I interested also on women issues, as I really interested to learn about feminism. And also….. jeng..jeng… raise your hand if you are a K-POP fan here lol. I am a big fans of Bangtan Sonyeondan, man, so I am a definetly  an A.R.M.Y lol.

Strangely, I worked at the very different field from my education and my Interested stuff haha (still can not figure it out) becuase I am only a month worked at that place and still searching for my “comfort” position hahaha

At my quarter age right now, I’m still discovering my dream and my purpose of life. I know it is late for me (at my age right now) to realize it just now. But life is very spontaneous, isn’t it? I also didn’t get it, why the feel and the confusing thought just came to me at this age. I loved many things and did many things (not that many actually), I dreamed about continue my study abroad, ofc in Korea as my favorite country (shit, I’m listening to Awake by Jin BTS right now – I’m not gonna cry  not gonna cry lalala~~) but as the oldest daughter I also have responsbility to help my parents, so thats how I – am trying – to give up on that dream (which haunted me every single night). I am afraid to failed and still can not manage to plan my long term goal. These thought haunted me almost every day, every where, pimple come so much on my face, I keep have stomachache and I am afraid get little depression lol. Some of my friends at same age didn’t believe it, I didn’t want to told them about the completed story also because they will tell me “over-reacted” or looking for any “attention”. Trust me, I’ve been re-thinking about this for a while “am I being lonely?”, “am I just need boyfriend?” , come on I’ve been living alone for 7 years, but why these thoughts just come now?!. haha why I become so funny right now?!

Ah, I am interseted also in singing, I am an amateur singer hahah (believe or not). Maybe sometimes, it will be a good idea if I upload my voice in here wkwkwk (it will haunt you every night maybe hihi).

Btw, english is not my first language, so pardon me for wrong grammar or the word lol you’re gonna figure it out later what my nationality is after I write the first random article. wkwk it’s difficult to me to express my thought and feeling without use english hehe..

Thats’ all for today, I will try hard to write in here as much as I can. I gotta go right now, to keep my thought busy and make many laugh to feel better today.

See you later 🙂